Melt down.

I'm melting down... Fast... I don't know how much longer can I be optimistic especially when failures kept coming your way. For one I know. I have failed as a designer. My designs are cliche, unattractive as often criticized. Someone hinted that my review at the end of the year ain't gonna be good. I'm not a good worker though I'm really trying my very best to be one. I have bloody tight deadlines at work and I have been working far too much OT. I just had a heated arguement with my superior yesterday (there goes the review!). My job hunt went in no avail and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life in future. Cause everytime I made a plan, there'll bound to be cock-ups and eventually leads to the big failure. So tell me, how many times can you tell yourself that you believe in yourself when you failed time after time?

Plus, the hectic schedule is taking a toll on my personal life. My pile of laundry is overflowing the basket and as usual, my room is in a mess. And it has been 4 days since I last saw my bro at home.

For all that, I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I'm depressed. I wished I have the courage to end my life now and it didn't have to be a sin.

I told people that I'm cruising on stress, as if I can really handle it well. But I don't... 'cause I'm human too...

Lemmiwinks broke her leg :(

Lemmiwinks really has a hard life with me, her utterly irresponsible owner. She nearly drowned 9 months ago while I tried to bath her.

Guess what... I was changing her bedding just now and I realised Lemmi was limping. I thought she had a tumour or something under her belly but I dispelled the thought as soon as I see that her right hind leg was generally inactive. I froze momentarily, and silently examined her moves. So I pick her up (she never let me hold her) and surprisingly, she was tamed enough for me to transfer her to a transparent plastic tank. Afterwhich, I looked under the plastic tank to check out what causes her to limp.

To my horror, she has indeed broken her leg. It was so bad that the bone was protuding out of her fur and she is just running across the tank as usual. I have absolutely no idea how she got the fracture and it is my fault that I didn't discover it earlier. I'm really lost now. I'm not sure if I should bring her to a vet. It's too late to treat the fracture now and I'm afraid that the vet will suggest to put her to sleep. With that, the guilt of my neligence kicked in and somehow, the thought of bringing Lemmi and Cream to the SPCA crossed my mind. I really want to slap myself for being such bummer. But no. No SPCA for them. As cheesy as it may sound, "Pets are for life". Now that Lemmi has to live the rest of her life with the handicap, I'll care for her till she breath her last.

And one more thing. I promised myself that I'm not going to keep any pets in future after these 2 fur balls. It's has really been heart breaking to see them sick, dying or hurt. Plus, I'm an utterly lousy excuse of a pet owner.

The story of the lost sheep

Every lost sheep needs to find a shepherd to be led back to its herd.

Me, the very lost sheep, has been going round the same pasture for some time now. The grass seems dry and unappetizing, but my shepherd has yet to find me. So I'll dwell for a little longer. The grass is, of course, greener on the other side of the hill. But it's an area which I have never ever thought of treading into. Now... this confused sheep is very much allured by the temptation yet rather afraid of the potential danger waiting at the other side of the hill. Will her shepherd actually be at there? Will there be big hungry wolves roaming (after all, the grass looks rather ungrazed)? Will she be more lost then she did before? Or perhaps she'll find a new herd to join?

The sheep has decided. She'll go over to the other side, once the dry and unappetizing grass runs out. Baaaaaa..... :)

Straight from the heart...

Recently there has been so much positive energy around me, it's hard for me to be depress any longer. I'm grateful for those who showered loads of encouragement upon me. Because you guys believed in me, I have to push myself to work harder and start believing in myself. Thanks for the helping hand, one and all, for pulling me out of troubled waters. I have yet to succeed. But when I do, your kind words will not be forgotten cause you guys will always be kept close to my heart...

Tear-stained pillow...

Why do my tears flow freely as I think of him? I'm such a wreck without him. But we can't bring ourselves to live with each other. I am not even sure if i'm doing the best for the both of us. He doesn't understand why I am doing this. It seems like he is taking it easy, like nothing ever happened.

Our 4 years... filled with bits of bitterness and sweet. We're always have the best intentions for each other, just that we can't compromise. He can't stand me being "ms jerkyl and hyde", I can't stand the ways he push his opinions onto me. We are constantly going against each other. I know we could go on, till we reach the destination we set in the beginning. But I can foresee it'll be tough to keep the relationship together due to our differences.

It is painful. Really painful. But I guess it'll be best for the both of us...