The thing about friends...

I sometimes find I have too high an expection of myself. There are a million and one things I would like to achieve, to fulfill, to be dare to dream about. However, I am, sadly, an under-achiever. Or maybe I just lack the passion and drive to go all the way out to be what I want to be. I never have hit perfection, it's always the "Ok, pass can already" attitude. Yeah, I do feel like a loser sometimes. I can't seem to get anything right. From playing poor pool (for years now) to being an under-paid/ over-worked designer. I don't know my potential seriously. And I want to know. But I can't shed away that bloody "heck it" mindset that has been feasting on my inner self for the past god-knows-how-many donkey years.

However, there are a few things I'm proud of about myself. First on the list, my boyfriend. I think God has been kind to me in that sense. It's not easy to stick by someone through thick and thin, and through these years in our relationship, I realised I actually have a soulmate. It is indeed a blessing.

Secondly, my degree. It was the first time I am pleased with my result and I think I actually worked hard (did I?). I never thought I could do it, and I felt real good at the end of it eventhough I weren't the best.

Thirdly, my friends. They are the soft-spot in my life and I hold them really dear. However, to label someone as a "best friend" just seems rather immaturish to me these days. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an anti-social. I used to have "best friends" too. But what happened to them, I guess I vaguely know. Sometimes you don't know what to expect from a friend. At one point in time, you might be so fucking close, calling each other out everyday, hanging out whenever possible. You'll miss each other. There are endless topics to talk about, and before you knew it, it's day break. Your parents think that you both are homosexual. But then again, not all friendships are bound to last. Those which remain is what I wanna call "priceless". Those which fade did not really vanish totally too. I guess the distance just broaden, with work, with relationships, with different paths we take in life. It hurts. Why can't I have the "heck it" attitude in that? I tried. I failed. I felt my heart sank when my sms were left unanswered. I don't want to be disillusioned into thinking that we are still close when we are obviously not. Yes, I can be a prick sometimes. I guess it has something to do with my expections in them too. Or just maybe I am not such a good friend to them myself.

But hey, nothing in life is certain. Forgive me, I'm just whining.